she is shrinking again

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-21T11:11:00

2005-02-21T16:14:52Z

here we go. another weekend. another semi failure. thankfully i am back on track as of this morning.

this morning, i weighed in at 157, which makes me want to scream and cry, but i know logically that i did not gain two pounds in two days. especially because i really did not overeat that much. i just ate normally.

so today!

-wheat toast (80)
-milk (80)
-grapes (100)
-banana (125)
-100 cal pack (100)
-big ole salad (300?)
TOTAL: 785

study study study tonight, i have to!

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-19T09:49:00

2005-02-19T14:53:45Z

breakfast

-3 egg whites (50)
-cheese (60)
-wheat toast (80)
-1 c apple juice (110)
-1 c skim milk (80)

TOTAL: 380

*i cut drinking the whole bottle of apple juice down to a measured 1 cup. it is important to measure your foods if you are used to eating a lot. you'd be surprised how much you are overeating!!

so breakfast is taken care of. now to think about the rest of the day. i will be going to a coffee house with some friends later on tonight and then to a party after that. no drinking! i'm serious! too expensive to buy a bottle of liquor and i do not need the cals. at the coffee house.. maybe a smalllllllll drink.

argh now what to do for lunch...

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-19T09:25:00

2005-02-19T14:32:03Z

yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

155. five pounds gone in just about a week. i can do this! the funny thing is, i have usually been eating three meals a day.

yesterday for example,
i had wheat toast, milk, and a banana for breakfast.
healthy choice pasta, yogurt, and a 100 cal pack for lunch.
1/2 mini veggie pizza and a small salad for dinner.

and i'm down to 155!

realistically, i do not think i am going to get down to 130 by march 25.

www.fitday.com tells me

Current Weight
Your weight is 155 lb as of 02/19/2005.

Weight Goal
Your goal is to weigh 130 lb by 03/25/2005

Goal Progress
You are currently 25 lb above the target weight.

The deadline for your goal is </b>34 days (4 weeks, 6 days)</b> away.

To meet your goal you need to lose about 5.15 lb per week.

i mean, i lost 5 pounds this week, but every week? over five pounds every single week?

i am also nervous about this weekend. right before last weekend i weighed in at 156, then i gained weight back from the weekend binge i went on. it's saturday. i survived friday night, but i will be going out this saturday and sunday. also, i don't have school until thursday thanks to president's day. i guess i just have to take it one day, one meal at a time.

i have the right to refuse foods when i don't want or need them. i do not need to go out to eat if i already ate or am planning to eat at home. it is expensive and unneeded. food needs to be less of a social thing for me. i realize it is social and there is nothing i can do about that, but for me, i need to concentrate on the fact that i have a weird relationship with food and i might always have that. i have to work harder than most people. and that's fine, because once i am able to wear my skirts and eventually get into a bikini, i'll appreciate it more than any of the naturally thin girls.

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-18T08:14:00

2005-02-18T13:15:45Z

156 today!

-wheat toast (80)
-milk (80)
-banana

-HC pasta
-100 cal pack (100)
-yogurt (100)

running late, update later

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-17T13:28:00

2005-02-17T18:33:43Z

i think today is going to be a good day. i think i am going to eat three meals today, so i'm not sure about keeping it at 800 cals. but what i did eat so far has been sooo healthy!

-wheat toast w spray butter (80)
-milk (80)
-grapes (150)
-big salad with eggs, sliced almonds, and light ceasar dressing (400??)
-granola bar (180)

i might go to my sister's house for dinner.

yeah, thats 890 already. but i have no idea about the salad. i generally just feel pretty good today. :)

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-16T22:05:00

2005-02-17T03:05:54Z

when i look at my icon i can't imagine ever having a stomach like that. argh.

today was pretty good. i did stick to plan except for several chocolates at work. no one even offered them to me. they were just sitting in the office so i had some. i would say i had about 4 mini yorks and 4 chocolate kisses. god. that is awful, because it's probably about 200 calories. fuck! i don't understand why i did that.

this whole 1,000 calorie thing is not going to work because i'm going to feel like i can slack off. granted, it's better than what i had been doing, but i was results here. spring break is SOON, and i need to get into gear.

argh, tomorrow:
-wheat toast (80)
-milk (80)
-yogurt (120)

lunch i haven't figured out yet. we will see.

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-16T09:19:00

2005-02-16T14:31:31Z

i certainly wasn't expecting much, after last weekend's binge. before the binge i got down to 157, 157!!

but i knew i gained those three little pounds back. i knew it. today, after yesterday's pretty successful day, i weighed in at 159. not much, but it's not 160, and it's not higher than 160.

gross, i HATE typing 160! i cannot wait until i am 130 again. soon i hope!

i cannot believe i gained this much weight. i thought once i saw how good i looked at 130 and how great i felt in little skirts and shirts i'd never go back.

i have been doing leg exercises every night, and some light cardio around my room. i may not be much, but it makes me feel good.

today's plan?
-3 egg whites (50)
-wheat toast (80)
-cheese (90)
-milk (80)
-HC lasagna bake (270)
-wheat toast (80)
-water w/ lemon
-grapes (150)
-pretzels (60)
-100 cal pack (100)

TOTAL: 960

i can do it, i can!

UPDATE: it is now a little after two pm and i am leaving for work soon. i am brining a 100 cal pack to work to eat and then i can just drink some water when i get home. right now i feel super full because i just had my BIIIG LUNCH! lasagna, wheat toast, and grapes.

tomorrow maybe 158? next week maybe looser jeans?

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-15T16:22:00

2005-02-15T21:27:37Z

it is so annoying when livejournal screws up and i lose an entry.

anyway-- when i got home the yogurt i was planning on having was already gone, so i ate 1/2 sub instead of the 1/4 that i was planning. right now it's almost 4:30 pm and i am done eating for the day.

intake: (i hope i stayed under 1,000)
-wheat toast w. spray butter
(water w. lemon)
-yogurt
-apple juice
-1/2 turkey sub
(2 pickles, no cals!)
(water w. lemon)

and, honestly..
-one valentine's day chocolate

i cannot slack off. today was a good starting day but not if i want to lose all the weight i want to lose. tonight is going to be long, but i have to get through it. it is so easy, so incredibly easy, to just DECIDE what you are going to eat and stick with it. it is also the hardest thing in the world to follow through with. i should throw this box of candy out but my boyfriend is the sweetest thing ever and knows i love chocolate. i will keep it and eat one a day, it can be part of my planned intake. it's already half gone anyway, haha.

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-15T09:58:00

2005-02-15T15:09:39Z

my teacher didn't show up to my nutrition class, so i am in the linrary updating and wasting time. too bad though, because i love my nutrition class. i also love my icon. victoria's secret swimsuit section of their webpage is seriously beautiful. will i ever be able to wear a bikini??

today i just did not feel like getting dressed. i have no clothes i like anyway. everything is too small and i honestly have two pair of jeans that fit. i have around ten or so pairs that don't fit but i refuse to get rid of because they WILL FIT soon. so here i sit, in my HUGE HUGE sweatshirt that used to fit like a glove when i was 205 pounds, but used to be much huger when i was smaller. my hair is in a pony tail and i really look and feel so frumpy.

i didn't have time to grab my sub and yogurt for lunch before i left for school. my friend was already waiting for me in the front of my house. i know i could have grabbed it and packed it up in under two minutes, but for some reason, i didn't. maybe that's a sign? maybe that's a sign that i am getting on track? i have my apple juice and i am going to have that at lunch, but i know i'll be so hungry. i am always hungry at lunch time. 30 minutes before lunch, my stomach always starts growling and i hate it. i used to love the growls. but now i have to wiggle around and push the table into my stomach to make them stop. it makes me so nauseous and irritable and jumpy to be hungry. i don't know how i did this before.

so the plan is to have lunch when i get home, so it'll really be like dinner and i'll be more able to get through the night. the major hurdle to get through is this week. after that, i'll be home free. i know i can do this because i want it so bad. i know i can do this because i did it before, and it wasn't even hard.

god! i have all of these adorable skirts and shirts and jeans just waiting to be worn. spring break won't be fun if i am stuffed into jeans and covering up with big sweatshirts. i can indulge later, but now is the time to buckle down. i have PLENTY of things to keep myself busy with. loads of reading to do for school, cleaning the room, planning out food intake for the week. loads to do. if all else fails, i can watch tv or a movie. also, i HAVE to keep exercising. i should just work out at school but right now i am in no mood for people to see me jiggling and sweating like a pig. no. i will work out in my room.

when i close my eyes and try to imagine what i would look like and feel like in a bikini, i can't. twenty five. that is in 3 years and a little over 3 months. i know i can do it if i REALLY try. but first step is to lose the weight that i lost before. 30 lbs, 40 days? i fucking hope so.

i am getting hungry already. FIGHT IT!!

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-15T07:13:00

2005-02-15T12:16:48Z

isn't it awesome when you find out there are less calories in your daily plan than you expected? my wheat bread, my awesome light wheat bread, only has 40 calories a slice. the old bread i used to buy had 90 a slice! yes! AND the yogurt in the fridge is only 90 instead of 100. wooo!

intake:
- wheat toast w. spray butter (80)
-yogurt (90)
-water w. lemon
-1/4 sub (400?)
-yogurt (90)
-apple juice (220)

TOTAL: 880

why am i drinking the apple juice? it's 100% juice and since i'm not going to be eating much of anything, i'd like to load up on healthy things. this is my FIRST DAY on the fast track to weight loss.

oh, size seven jean skirt, will you ever forgive me?

30lbs40days @ 2005-02-14T20:27:00

2005-02-15T01:43:59Z

this is my first post.

i weigh one hundred and SIXTY pounds. holy shit. true, a few years ago i weighed two hundred and five pounds, but a couple years ago i weighed one hundred and thirty pounds.

205---130---160.

i am not going back to being a fat ass. well, i am a fat ass right now but i'm not going to let myself go back to 205 again. i'm just not.

this time, goal weight is 130 by march 25th. that's 30 pounds in 40 days, which explains my screen name.

i may always have food and body issues. scratch that. i will always have food issues. always. but that doesn't mean i have to be fat my whole life. i was much happier eating twice a day and being hungry at night than eating like a pig everyday and gaining weight and having no clothes that fit.

nothing fits, nothing looks cute, and all of my clothes that i JUST BOUGHT are too tight. sex has become a chore. an embarrasing chore that i would rather not deal with. i don't want him to see my body, i don't want anyone to see my body.

i miss having control, and i am going to take it back. RIGHT NOW.

right now i am making the choice to lose the weight i have put on. and maybe then some. but as for now, my choice, my goal is to weigh 130 by march 25th.

so what's the plan? there has to be a plan if there is a goal.

it worked last time, so it will work this time.

this week 1,000 cals a day MAX.
then we will see about knocking it down to 800 cals based on results.

tomorrow's intake:
-wheat toast w. spray butter (160)
-yogurt (100)
-water (0)
-1/4 sub (400?)
-yogurt (100)
-apple juice (220)

TOTAL: 980